The day I decided to retire, for sure, I made a pastel-colored paper chain and stretched it around the upper part of my guest room, which is really my "closet." The pretty chain went totally the length and width of two of the walls, and on that day had 135 links in shades of lavender, pink, and yellow.I removed a link here and there as autumn passed, sometimes forgetting for an entire week at a time. As the leaves outside fell, links fell until it had shortened by half of one wall.
After Christmas it was down to 100 links, and suddenly it became slow and torturous work to remove one simple link. I decided that I was so done teaching that if I could set fire to the paper chain and watch it go up in smoke, I would be joyous, as long as those days also disappeared. I knew that would not work. I was reminded of Marley's Ghost, wearing the chains he forged in life.............."made link by link..........gartered it on of my own free will.......and by my own free will, I wore it." I wanted to shed the whole thing.........the chain, the job........ALL OF IT!
Today there are "only" 62 links left. That is 62 more 5 A.M. alarm clock shockings, 62 more one-cup-o-coffee preparations in my bedroom the night before, 62 more lunches for my husband to creatively and lovingly pack for me, 62 more rides across this city I love, and 62 more exhausted rides back across this city, too tired to even stop to pick up a carton of milk.
I am not old. I am going to turn 65 in a few months, but I am a young 65. I have taken care of myself over the years, and look forward to many years of enjoying NOT working. I have traveling to do, books to read, recipes to cook, people to meet, and things to do at long last, without having a bell tell me when to stop and start, like Pavlov's dog, with whom I have come to relate.
The retirement package sat on my desk since last July waiting for me to fill in the blanks. I only have one more page to write on. It shall be in the mail by the end of this weekend.
I have filled a hole in a landfill with advertisements for Medicare supplemental health insurance received over the past year. Most of them went directly there, unopened.
I have removed personal items from my classroom, and given away teaching tools when I knew they had seen the light of day for the final time in MY career. Stacks of teacher-created materials have been graciously received by the "recycling team" as I tossed out tests and writing directions that I have written over the years for my students.
The sticker collection has been weeded out. Holiday pencils have been awarded, even for the wrong holiday this year. My "little library" has been packed and taken to Randy's grandchildren, and the encyclopedias given to a student whose family values education.
The paper chain will NOT get shorter any faster, no matter what I do, however. I cannot seem to go to bed one night and then wake up surprised to find lots of days disappeared, unnoticed! Every single one is the same 5 A.M. shock alarm, the stumbling trip to the kitchen, the what-to-wear-today dilemma, and then the early morning ride, in the dark, across this city that I love.
Some days I go directly to my dressing room when I get home, and purposefully rip off that day's link. There! One less! Enough, already yet!!
Paper chains were useful tools when I was a child. My sister and I would count off days until Christmas, and I am sure the making of the chain kept us out of the way while we cut and taped or stapled or glued. (I have a vague remembrance of making my own glue out of flour and water, actually.........Maybe I am older than I think I am....)
Once Randy had asked me to marry him, the first thing I did was make a paper chain to count off the three months until our wedding day. I think that chain seemed to have an eternal life, too, as I recall.
"Wishing my life away," is how I chastise myself when I realize that I am obsessing over how many more days until I get my life back, and let the Youth of America figure out how to get along without me, (which, I daresay, they are more than eager to do.) The guilt over treating even a single day as if it is to "get it over with" makes me cringe, but I still do it.
I have a day off coming, to go to the dentist. That link is decorated with pictures of teeth. (Until it is past, the link must remain on the chain, you see.....) I also get a "personal day," which I have chosen to take on my sixty-fifth birthday: NO ONE should work on her sixty-fifth birthday! (or ANY birthday, methinks....) That link just says "BIRTHDAY" on it. I try to visualize the paper chain with those two less links in it.............for a mental boost, of sorts, and know that on the days when I get to remove them, like GET OUT OF JAIL FREE cards, I will gleefully laugh aloud and feel total joy!
To make my life even more exciting, I have added a Google "tool" to my homepage: a countdown counter. It tells EXACTLY how many days, hours, minutes and seconds until the final bell rings on my last day in the classroom! It moves like the National Debt counter----very quickly. Can you tell I am really IN to countdowns? I've caught myself before the screen, in a mesmerized state, eyes glued to the second counter, as it ticks backward...............a very freeing feeling!
The paper chain still has 62 links as I type this. By the time I hit the "publish" button for this blog entry, it will have a few less. If I told my students about the chain, they would think I am a crazy old lady (which even YOU might be thinking right now............and they already think), but what I see is a person on the brink of changing her life, and going on to new adventures with huge anticipation.
It is like seeing the end of the diving board in one of those dreams that we all have ............and the approach is going in such s-l-o-w m-o-t-i-o-n.....and the board seems to be growing, and the end is so very hard to reach...!
On June 7th, by 3:00, I will have removed the last link. The wall will be bare, the trash can will hold the pink, yellow and violet remains of my "tool of anticipation." I will shout, "Free at Last!" several times, and go out and celebrate with family and friends. (I certainly hope that Somebody will have planned Something.....!)
This is probably not my final paper chain. We chain-makers get little thrills out of them, after all. I believe Charlie Brown once said that, "The anticipation exceeded the actual event." I will let you know if that holds true.................but I don't think it will.
Copyright: KP Gillenwater
