Yoga at Home...........or "Twist and Shout"

I attended some yoga classes for several weeks two years ago, then again this year. Six weeks each year was all I could manage. I loved the class. We'd start, holding our thumbs and index fingers together in little circles, while we sat, cross-legged, like we did in kindergarten. When I saw others closing their eyes while they did this, I joined in, too, only peeking out once in awhile to see if I was still doing the right thing.

"Salutation to the Sun" was such a fabulous-sounding event, that I wanted to keep on saluting. (We don't have much sun in Ohio, so we'd better salute it!) Then we jumped around, moved, stretched, were quiet, and then laid on the floor while our yogi spoke quietly. Every week, I fell asleep during "the corpse position," and people had to wake me up, so as not to leave me behind when they went home.

I loved sitting on the floor and humming, "ommmmmm" for awhile, and saying "Namaste" at the end, before leaving.

 It took me several weeks to find out that "Namaste" wasn't a way of saying "goodbye," but  meant,"In honor of the place within you, where, when you are in that place within you, and I am in that place in me, there is only one of us." ...Which is a really good place to be in, by the way..........(That's pronounced na-mos-tay for those of you who are not "in the know,"..........as I am........((ahem))

After giving my yoga class up twice, I was too embarrassed to go back, because I was afraid the other clients would point at me and say, "I give her six weeks," and they would be right, maybe.

 Enter the do-it-yourself-at-home-yoga class.........

So I bought a book about yoga. It shows every conceivable position. I do mean "conceivable," because many of them cannot be "do-able." After hideous nightmares of contortionism, I bought another book called The Wisdom of Yoga, because I wanted to find out what is so deeply meaning about yoga, and why my highly intelligent friends were gravitating towards these classes. (If that sounds as if I have some less than intelligent friends, I don't mean to imply that.) From this book, I learned about chakras, "following my breath," discipline, and some really cool-sounding Indian words to throw around in polite conversation. (" I hope your niyama are strengthening," really gets attention.)  (Don't ask, I've forgotten what those are.....)

Because a visitor saw these books at my house, and, seemingly impressed,  had commented about them, I felt I must be quite smart-looking, not to mention athletic, in some way (even though I hadn't been on my hot-pink yoga mat for over a year at this point), so I ran out and bought The American Yoga Association's book.  Anything that comes from an "Association" must really be the do-all, be-all knowledge about whatever the association is, so this might really look good on my coffee table! I actually laid it out where visitors could trip over it and not miss it. I was impressed with myself! (Even though I didn't know a downward dog position from an upward kitty.......)

I found a copy of The Idiot's Guide to Yoga, at a garage sale. Nobody, actually, saw me purchase this, I hoped, so my facade was safe. I hid that one under my pillow, read it secretly, and thought a lot about getting down on the floor to try some of those postures.  But I didn't.

Having a book store discount pass for a day, I ran in and purchased a video called "A.M. and P.M. Yoga." I made sure that all the people I knew at that once-in-a-lifetime-event-with-the-coupon-thing saw that I was really "into" yoga.  I carried the VCR tape around the store and conversed with all the other lucky coupon-holders I knew before I checked out. Carrying the video around was the most exercise I got that day. I actually did use that tape several times, but every time the demonstrators relaxed at the end, I fell asleep on the floor, and woke up later, feeling disoriented.

I figured that other VCR tapes and DVDs would actually get me into yoga, so I bought Dixie Carter's (from "Designing Women") tape, which shows her doing tall, stretchy stuff. I tried to keep up with her, but she was tall, and I am not, so I decided she had an advantage over the rest of us, and I gave up.  (ah...a good excuse!)  I did like Dixie's Southern drawl, though.

Denise Austin's movie also made it home: "Yoga Essentials."  I thought "essentials" meant stuff you couldn't get along without knowing. I tried holding this VCR tape to my forehead, hoping for an osmosis-type thing to happen. It did not. That movie was never seen again, by me, at any rate, as IT didn't work. (Yeah, blame the movie....)

"Yoga Conditioning for Weight Loss" looked good the day I found it in a bargain bin. I wanted both of those things: yoga AND weight loss all in a tiny movie!  I came home, fixed dinner, and fell asleep on the sofa.  The movie is on "the pile." I blamed it on the video.

Never one to give up, I bought "Total Yoga," another workout video for "everyone."  My mother taught me that I am NOT "everyone" : I am me. I admit to doing the exercises and positions in this video. I can prove it, as my handwriting, on the outside of its box, says, "Fast, advanced, a KILLER."  So much for Total Yoga.  I decided I wanted "Partial Yoga."


Then one day I came across the real deal.  This was a whole BOX called "The Basic Yoga Kit." Geez. I love anything called a "kit." This one had a subtitle: "How to Use Blocks and Straps," which sounds like some kind of sexual idiocy. The kit came with a thick strap that looks like something my dad used  to put the luggage rack on top of the car............something effective! Surely, this was the answer to my struggle with yoga!  It also came with a poly-something-foam block, half the size of a breadbox.  According to the picture-instructions, I could lean over, support myself on this block, or even rest my forehead on it when I was bent over full-body, straight-legged, forehead near the floor. The strap was to hold my feet in the air when I was on the floor, leaning backwards, toes pointed towards the ceiling.  This never happened!  I found the block was really useful, though, for keeping my video tapes off the floor, out of the dust. My husband wanted to use it as a hot pad for a cookie sheet, but I told him it was an important part of my yoga regimen, and to keep his hands off of it.

Finally, there was the "OM, Yoga in a Box"...........When I first saw it, I thought it said "OMG," then realized the G wasn't there. Darn.  I needed that G to succeed in yoga! This box contained "Everything you need................etc. etc."including a strap, special cards to show each position, in detail, a tea-light candle (????????????) sticks of herbal incense, and a little holder for those sticks.  Now we're talkin' yoga!  I could picture myself, tied in a knot, candle burning somewhere unknown ( I hadn't read what to do with the candle yet), incense smells emanating from the house (announcing to all my neighbors that I must be really into yoga), and I'd be inside that house, moving slowly and purposefully from one position to another, lying on the floor in cobra position, upside down in a headstand, performing the Rolling Plow (to the applause of thousands) in my cute little yoga pants and top.........

That didn't happen, either.

I had  hoped that was what would happen: IT WOULD JUST HAPPEN.  I know better, just as you do.  Ya gotta make it happen.  I still thought it might...............

No, my videos are not for sale, and the books are not going to the library sale.....yet. Instead they take up a lot of space near the TV. I will be retiring in a short time, and then I will use them. Maybe I will sign up for a class (where nobody has ever seen me before) and really try at yoga, when I am not so tired from working, and won't fall asleep pretending to be a corpse.  I want to try this. I know it's good for body and spirit. As we say in teaching reading, though: Readiness is Everything.  I have to be ready.

I certainly look ready, with my mat and all this other "stuff" at home. I will let you know if it "happens"...............I actually have mastered the corpse position.

I still don't know what to do with that candle. So far I haven't used it for a Halloween pumpkin or a Christmas table setting.................

2/12/16  I joined a gym three years ago, attended every "free yoga" event in my city, joined 2 more gyms and went to yoga 3 days a week. I did chair yoga for a few months with some senior citizens, and now, four years after writing this post, do yoga every single day of my life. If I travel, I do it in hotel rooms with Pandora music.  I have found a studio that is amazing, teachers who know their stuff and can teach it, and am completely and totally in love with yoga.   I told you I would let you know........................

copyright:  KP Gillenwater

Living Off the Fat of the Land, or, "Too Much"

I consider myself to be a collector of fine things. My hubby says I'm a potential candidate for next season's Hoarders show.

I just think that if one thing is so much fun to have, then lots of them (whatever it is) is just so much better! This is probably why I have nearly 600 cookbooks.  Many of them have yet to be read, but that doesn't mean they won't be, eventually.

In previous posts, I've confessed about my watches.  And my plants. The purses. The hankies. ( I'd better call Hoarders when I get done writing this post.)

I know I caught this from my mother, with her 26 antique clocks............(Yeah. Let's blame Mom!) (See blog entry from  10/2/10 if you missed the clock saga.)  It seems to have something to do with "security," and knowing that I will always have enough...........of whatever.

I am piling up lipsticks right now..................There are at least ten new ones in the hall closet. All identical. The reasoning is  that I won't have to run out and buy one if my current tube goes dry.  It sounds like good planning, to me! (And I know that I feel glad to see the spares in there.........I am lipstick-secure!) One less thing to worry about.....

Unfortunately, I may have gone a tad overboard in the food department, I find. Mind you, I have never missed a meal or been on the verge of starvation................On the contrary, I've been a Weight Watcher or strict dieter for most of my life. I've not stood on a street corner holding a Will Work For Food sign........yet.  I am secure!

My home is blessed with a large pantry with many shelves.  I also have a giant-sized freezer.  I stock up.

I have resolved, for my New Year's Resolution this year, to USE UP THE FOOD IN THE PANTRY AND THE FREEZER before I buy any more.  Sounds easy enough, doesn't it?

This was prompted by the discovery (and now disclosure) of a quarter of a head of cabbage in my freezer the other day.  Who knew it was out there for well over a year, supporting my "security turkey," several DiGiorno pizzas (mushroom, spinach, and garlic), five pounds of mozzarella cheese (measured into half-pound units), several sacks of tilapia and boneless, skinless chicken breasts.  Did I mention the Lean Cuisine Collection?

I've been working, mentally, on the freezer since the cabbage discovery.

Then there's that pantry............................

All the cans and jars are still usable.  I checked the expiration dates the last time I opened the doors and played with my stuff...................anything that had died of old age has been tossed out.

For a woman who is on a perpetual diet, I find it totally inconceivable that I could have purchased 15 cans of Hunts spaghetti sauce (in various flavors), 4 jars of Trader Joe's blueberry jam, 22 cans of Veg-All, 4 bottles of catsup, 2 mustards, 3 Hellman's Light Mayonaises, 34 cans of black beans, 4 cans of peas, and 3 jars of lemon curd. LEMON CURD?  I have exactly one recipe that uses lemon curd, and I haven't made that in over a year!

There are multiple cans of various and sundry vegetables and sauces, beaucoup de jars of pickles and olives, 12 bottles of salad dressing (8 of them Italian)....... a few boxes of Jiffy Corn Muffin mix and some brownie ingredients. An entire shelf holds cans of soup. "Cooking Soup," and "Eating Soup," lined up like soldiers, waiting to be sent to dinner. Another shelf holds my pasta: diffferent shapes, sizes and colors................a plethora of delicious meals in the dehydrated state!

The plan is not to eat it all within a certain length of time.  The plan is just to use it up before buying any more.  I am hoping to be able to do this while using the frozen chicken, fish, and beef in the freezer.

This year I have foregone the resolutions about health and dieting.  I just made this one about reducing my food supply. 

Will I be able to do it?

What if there is a sale on Veg-All or Campbell's Soups?  What if there's a Two-Fer, or Ten-For-Ten on Knorr Rice Mixes?

This might be harder than I thought.................

When my mother died, she left a freezer full of food.  There were huge bags of pecans from her daddy's pecan trees, which my sister turned into pies.  We unwrapped an ugly fish, a gift from a long-dead fisherman.  We found a foot and a half long icicle from the blizzard of '59.  There had been a kelp plant, fished from the Pacific Ocean that same year, wrapped in  newspaper, but it had disintegrated, leaving only some kelp dust behind. Mom's freezer was a treasure trove of memories and edibles.

At least my freezer contains only food!   Lots of it!

That recipe that uses the lemon curd?................I wonder where I filed that.......or if I will have to eat it with a spoon......................



Copyright:  KP Gillenwater